You can't co-parent effectively with someone who is not willing to meet you half-way, and it goes without saying that you should not have to do all the work by yourself.
However, you also know that the purpose behind your efforts is, continually, to do what is best for your children. They deserve to have a relationship with your ex, regardless of how you feel about him or her and your previous relationship.
With that in mind, consider how implementing the following strategies will disarm your ex's defensiveness and pave the way for smoother, more open communication.
1. Keep a Promise
If you've made specific promises about spending time with your children, communicating, or helping your ex with a certain task, do everything you can to keep your word. Doing so sends a message to your children that you love them and consider them to be worth your time. However, if there is a valid reason why you can't keep a promise, speak with your ex openly and honestly about it. Come to an agreement on the matter so that your children are not left with unmet expectations.2. Be Consistent
This seems like a small matter, but it is huge in terms of building trust with your ex and your children. Being consistent means speaking respectfully to your ex at all times, maintaining your child care schedule, and not allowing your conversations to be ruled by your emotions. Remember, you and your ex are the adults. You must model at all times what it looks like for adults to disagree, yet continue to work together for the good of a common purpose. In this case, that common purpose is caring for your children.3. Be Considerate
Again, this is a rather simple tip, but it is one that is often neglected between co-parents. Being considerate includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedules when possible, and recognizing that - regardless of the circumstances which led you to this point - learning to work together and put your kids first requires sacrifice, and it is not easy for either of you.4. Keep Trying
Even though this is difficult, do not give up. It is for the benefit of your children that you must continue to make an effort to be civil with one another. With time, communication between you will get easier. Put your trust in that while you continue to make an effort on behalf of your children.5. Listen
Listen twice as much as you speak. This sounds backwards, but allowing your ex to feel "heard" can subconsciously enable him or her to actually take in your point of view and help you come to a mutual understanding. In addition, you must remember that listening does not signify your approval, so disregard the fear that you'll lose control of the situation by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions. On the contrary, learning to listen to one another without interrupting or automatically discounting the other person's point of view is a key ingredient to any successful co-parenting relationship.6. Show Restraint
Train yourself not to overreact to your ex. This is especially important in front of your children. Realize that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children's entire childhood - if not longer. Teach yourself to be numb to those buttons he or she is trying to push, and over time your ex will be forced to communicate in a more effective manner.7. Ask His or Her Opinion
This is a simple technique that can effectively jump-start positive communications between you. Take an issue that you don't feel strongly about, and ask for your ex's input. Allowing him or her to participate in the decision making process on behalf of your children shows your ex that you trust his or her judgment and value his or her contribution.8. Affirm Your Ex's Relationship With Your Kids
Take a moment to tell your ex how important his or her relationship with the children really is. What does it mean to them? What does it mean to you, witnessing the development of their bond and connection? This may be something you've already thought about but never said aloud. Doing that now can tear down years of defensiveness and anger.9. Visualize a Positive Future
Visualization can be a powerful tool in creating the future you want for your children and yourself. Instead of focusing all your energy on what has not gone well in the past, create an image in your mind of what it might look like if you were able to collaborate for the sake of the kids. Imagine a future where you can co-parent effectively, communicate clearly, and put the pain of your shared past behind you.10. Apologize
Of course, you should only use this strategy if you do, indeed, have something you need to apologize for. If that is the case, take the time to genuinely apologize for the hurt and pain your actions have caused. Do not make the mistake of thinking that something which happened a long time ago no longer needs to be addressed. It is amazing how powerful this one final step can be in moving your relationship away from being adversaries and toward collaborating in the work of raising your children.Join us in the Single Parents Forum.
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